1996 - Farley J Stipe, Puttin' it on Paper

Farley J. Stipe - Puttin' it on paper.


January 1 - Today I am beginning this diary of my days with Chris & Donna. The sit-ups & the git-downs. Let's just say this is my bone, and I'm gonna pick it.


January 10 - Today I was really upset so I took matters into my own paws, or should I say teeth, and chewed the wooden things on the walls. I was forced to do this in reaction to the stupid bow that they put in my hair after the trip to the doggie spa where they make me the smooth doggie that I am. What do you think the other dogs think when they see me in the stupid bow? They even had the guts to take pictures. I may not even wait to go outside.


January 20 - Today was a slow day. Donna & Chris are usually here to serve me all day, but they said something about a big party in June and went out. They came back with stuff so I figured they were participating in their favorite pastime, goin' out and gettin' stuff from the stuff place. What is the party in June? MY BIRTHDAY!!!! I wont let them know that I know about the party so they won't be upset. Man I am the smartest breed of dog in existence.


January 27 - A lady showed up today. Donna said something about her being from a land north of here and she called her mum. I wonder if she is the party planner for my party?


February 4 - I like this Mum lady. She is here all day long and caters to my every need. Donna & Chris must have hired her to entertain me while they are gone. Cool bones.


February 10 - I have been locked up in this blasted kitchen for 3 days. No sight of the Mum lady. I see a nice spot of carpet over there that needs to be pulled up. I will take care of that first thing.


March 25 - I took it upon myself to chew up one of Chris' shoes today. Boy was he mad. I don't know why, he never chews on them. I didn't want them to go to waste.


March 31 - Saw this pig named Babe on the noise box in the couch room. This guy rules. I hope I get to meet him some day.


April 17 - Wednesday nights have been really a downer. I am stuck in this stupid kitchen while they go out to some pre-party planning. There is a lot of talk about this party in June. I hope they invite Babe the pig to my party. He rocks.


April 22 - More strange people came to visit. Candi, Tom, and a really small person named Caitlin. The small one got out of line so I had to bite her and set her straight. Chris & Donna didn't agree with me though. Still even more talk about my party. I can't wait.


May 15 - Got a cool bandanna at the doggie spa. Guess I taught them a lesson last time.


May 24 - We got in the moving machine today and went for a long ride. I liked it at first but later I decided I needed to express my discontent by throwing up my lunch. It felt like we drove to the end of the world. Still more talk about my party. I heard a rumor from the Beagle that lived next door that Lassie was going to be at my party. Sweeeeet.


May 25 - Where ever we went it looked like the end of the world. Donna said it was called North Dakota. Just when I thought the ride was over we drove even farther to a very cold place called Canada. I went nuts around all the strange people. Finally, the Mum lady showed up and everything was as cool as a freshly painted fire hydrant. I also met a rockin' dog named cousin Hamish.


June 1 - Back to the end of the world. This sucks, I haven't seen Chris and Donna much for the past couple of days. Chris was gone for days with his picture taker machine and some friends taking pictures of huge cows and fish out here at the end of the world. He said it was for a DOGumentary so I offered to go along, but he said no. I am afraid that they are going to leave me with the drivers of the huge moving machine. Ma & Pa Peterson, the older persons who drive the machine, have a stuck up dog named Sugar who just will not play at all. I am getting nervous. Chris & Donna got all dressed up and left me in the huge moving machine with couches. They said something about a wedding, whatever that is, it can't be as big as my party. I wonder if Benji is going to try and crash it.


June 6 - I have been staying with the stuck up dog and her owners, the big machine drivers. I guess they don't just drive big machines. They also serve me. They are pretty cool and have better treats than Chris and Donna have. I'm thinking of stayin' here for a while. It's getting close to my birthday. I hope Chris and Donna are back for my party. If not, no big woof, no ticks off my back.


June 16 - Back home now and its my first birthday! But no party. They went to Hollywood, Las Vegas, and Disney Land and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt. The least they could have done was say hi to me while they were on Jay Leno. Well maybe they did but I was watching Letterman that night. Stupid pet tricks. No party, no gifts, well there is another piece of carpet that I need to pull up.


July 8 - Chris and I decided to take a vacation by ourselves. We went to a place called Green Bay. Chris says there is new work here not to mention really good cheese. I miss Donna because she feeds me and takes care of me all the time but she had some things to finish up in Des Moines. Chris just watches the noise box. Not even a couch in the couch room. This guy is nuts.


July 31 - Donna is here now and it is really groovy because she is staying home with me. I guess she feels guilty for not giving me a party. She said something about some paper pushers keeping her from working, but I am sure it is guilt. I don't blame her for not liking paper pushers, I hate going on the paper too.


August 31 - It's been a dog day summer. Green Bay has a lot for dogs-on-the-go to do. In fact, DQ Magazine says Green Bay is ranked number one for quality of life for dogs. I've been swimming, hiking, suntanning, and my social life has never been better. Chris and Donna are doing okay too.


September 15 - I've been left behind again. Chris and Donna have started engaging in this strange ritual of tailgating. I understand why I was left behind because I don't have a tail but then again neither do they. I found out from the lab next door that tailgating has nothing to do with a tail, but has something to do with a football team called the Packers. Stupid humans. Chris was upset that Donna got to see the Packers and he didn't. She thought it was great that she got to sit in a box seat. I don't see what's the big deal, I sit in a box all day and you don't see me barking around the neighborhood about it.


October 3 - Mum lady showed up again just around the time that Donna went back to work. Paper pusher apparently finally pushed their paper so she could work. I hope mum lady is here to stay this time.


October 16 - Wednesday nights are the nights to go out again but now I get to go along. They take me to this room full of dogs, tell me to sit and stuff, and give me treats. Piece of cake.


December 7 - Chris and Donna put a big tree in our couch room. I wonder if they are bringing the outdoors in because its cold here in Wisconsin or it is a big chew toy. It's been a really good year for Chris and Donna. They seem really happy with their new jobs, new home, and new friends. They seem to wear a lot of Green and Gold now. They even dressed me up in a cheesy outfit and we stood on this frozen tundra to get our picture taken. At least they didn't make me wear one of those lousy bows. I'm still bummed about not getting a birthday party but the party they had made them really happy. Christmas is coming soon and we are staying here for the holidays. I hope I get the new Snoop Doggy Dog album for Christmas.


December 15 - I had a breach in my security. I caught Donna & Chris reading my journal. They said something about not having to write a letter and started making copies. A dog has no privacy anymore. I am definitely going to have to get a Doberman to guard my stuff before they start eating my bones. It's a dogs life.


To all our friends and relatives and their dogs - Have a merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. Also Go! Pack! Go! Chris, Donna, & Farley J. Stipe